Step Families

We discussed divorce and step families this week in class. I actually come from a divorced family so I can relate in a number of ways. My parents divorced when I was just a baby, so i have grown up with just my mom and sister. My father remarried when I was around 13, and she had a son from a previous marriage. They had a child together so I have a half brother as well. I did not live with my dad and step mother so i did not have to deal with a number of the difficulties that come with a step family.
One thing that I am so sure of that would have been difficult for me growing up would be the disciple. Especially if my mom would have remarried but she never did.
Some guidelines for discipline:
- "not my mom/dad"
- it takes a least 2 years to reach normality
- biological parent needs to do the heavy parenting
- give support and warmth
- the couple needs to conference together

I can see how the couple conferencing together can be so very important. It is important that the couple is on the same page. They need to have the same rules for the house and the same ways to discipline. Especially when there is children from both parents. They need to act as one so children will not come between them.

Parenting

This week in class we discussed parenting. I think it is so important for parents to take the time to learn what is proper ways to parent their children and to really be aware of the effect they have on their children.
Here are a few reasons of why we parent that was discussed in class:
- microcosm of eternal life
- continue on to future generations
- practice of the godhead
- the children have the same genetics as the parents making it a bit easier to address their needs
- opportunity for constant, intimate teaching and learning

I really liked the discussion we had in focusing on the child's needs and not their behaviors. To really think about why the child is behaving the way they are as opposed to just think that there child is being crazy or ridiculous.
"You can never get enough of what you don't need, to satisfy what you do need." I really like this quote because it doesn't matter how hard you try to get these needs through other means like doing drugs you will never find the satisfaction you desire.

Here are some things that wise parents do:
- offer contact freely
      - within appropriate bounds
     - as accepted by the child
- teach to contribute
     - do chores, help around the home
     - young women, scouting, sports teams, etc.
     - alway encourage to help family
- encourage responsibility
     - choices that are age and situation appropriate
     - consequences to actions

I really see how important parenting really is. I definitely want to be a very active parent and learn the appropriate ways to handle children during different situations. I think it is great that we have these resources available to us. By practicing good parenting not only will the children grow and becoming better members of society but the family at a whole will improve and it will help to make a happier, healthier home.

Work and Finances

Work:
There are some really great lessons that we can learn from working together as a family. For example working together as a family can include working in the yard, or having a garden. Doing this together can benefit the family as a whole.
Some benefits of working as a family:
- cooperation
- learn to communicate with each other
- have better feelings and thoughts about family members
- become closer together
- learn to accommodate others
- value other family members more

Finances:
It is great to have a handle on finances. Finances play a really large part in families and having control over finances can help the entire family. It is said that a number of divorces come from financial problems. If we can understand finances better we can hopefully prevent divorce that might occur in the future. Having a control on ones finances can help you to have better control of your life in general.

Council Method

Last week in class we talked about the council method. It was very interesting to find out how the first presidency of the church council together.
All of their meetings have an agenda, and they meet every week. At the start of every meeting they express love and concern for each other, then pray, discuss to consensus of the lord's will, then pray again and have some type of dessert.
I really like the idea that everyone has the opportunity to speak their own mind and everyone has the ability to receive personal inspiration.
I really think this is a great idea for every family, and I hope to implement this method when I have my own family.
I think it would have made a big difference in growing up if I would have had this relationship with my mom. I see how it can be really beneficial to every family.

Family Crisis

I have really enjoyed learning about family crisis this week in class. It is really interesting the ways in which family deal with crisis and the effects that it has on the family dynamic.
We discussed the ABC's of family crisis.
A- Actual event
B- Behavioral response
C - Cognition
X- total eXperience

We are not able to control the actual event that occurs but we do have power in over how we think about the event and the actions that we take because of that. I think it is super important to know that we all have the ability to choose what we think and how we react to every situation. It seems that we often take ourselves out of the situation thinking that we really have no control over anything. But, the cool thing is, is that we really do. Thoughts lead to actions, so it is important to make our thoughts what we want them to be then we can control our actions.
It is awesome that we can take from these stressful family situations and make something better out of it. Another concept is to learn from what is going on and prepare ourselves for stressors in the future.

Friends, and Fidelity

For this week in class one of the topics that we discussed had to do with friends and fidelity.
There is a friends model and an eternal companion model. Here is a list of the two different model types:

Friends model
- cross-gender buddies without consequences
- flexible boundaries
- endless fun, few responsibilities
- perpetual hangout sessions

Eternal Companion model
- total allegiance to spouse or there will be consequences
- firm clear boundaries
- limits to fun; seemingly endless responsibilities
- perpetual growth opportunities

A couples relationship really needs to focus on the eternal companion model. This way the couple can be a strong couple and stay together with these mutual understandings.
I think what I have really learned through this class is the importance of communication. I think communication is where relationships are built and broken. Also, many things need to be discussed before marriage and boundaries need to be set. Because there isn't much time once a couple is married and starts having children to discuss these things and set proper boundaries. Following steps like having boundaries and not spending time alone with anyone from the opposite sex is really important in helping to prevent infidelity within the marriage.

Avoiding Baby Blues

I wasn't too surprised when we learned in class this week that marital satisfaction decreases with the birth of the first child and then continues to decline with each subsequent child. It makes sense that this is a reason why couple decided to not have any children or to put it off for years. I really liked how we discussed ways in which couples can prevent the decline in marital satisfaction. Here is a few that we discussed in class:
- involving the husband in prenatal check up
- involving the husband in the babies kicks and movements
- thinking of the others needs
- making the pregnancy about the couple not just the baby
- planning how to raise the child before the birth

I really like that there are ways in which a couple can continue to have marital satisfaction with each child. I think its great that we discussed this, because now in the future I can definitely apply it in my own life when I eventually get married and have children.

Dating, Love, and Marriage

This week in class we discussed dating, love and marriage. When dating we have been guided by Elder Oaks to the 3 P steps to dating. Paired off, planned ahead, and paid for. These are the guidelines in which we are to follow. Someone in class mentioned the comparison they have to the divine roles and duties of a husband and father. They are protect, preside, and provide. They match up with the dating steps. Paired off -> protect, planned ahead -> preside, and paid for -> provide. This is a model that if we will follow while dating it will continue through the marriage, making it stronger.
Another thing we talked about was the different types of love. They are agape, eros, storge, and philia. Agape is having love for someone without necessarily liking them. Eros is the passionate love. Storge is love between a parent and child. Philia is the friendship, brotherly love. Everyone thinks that eros which is the passionate, romantic love, and that this love is the key to a marriage and relationship. This love is often idealized in movies and on TV. It is a important to have this love but it is important to have all the types of love within a marriage to make it strong and long lasting.
An aspect of marriage that we discussed that I have never really thought about before is the fact of consecration in marriage. It is important for the couple to put everything they have on the table and become as one. Not only including material things but also time, and talents. I have seen many couples that live parallel lives meaning that the man has the money, and his toys; then the women has the house and kids. This couple is living their lives separate from each other and not working together as a unit, or as one.
One last thing: it was mentioned how God gives us commandments and tells us to do this, and don't do that. He does all of this as a guide to us. He knows what is best for all of us, and knows that if we follow his council we will be happier, and more blessed. This also helps to prevent many problems that might arise in our lives. We just need to trust in the Lords wisdom and do as he asks.

Gender Differences

This week we discussed gender differences. It was interesting to learn the differences between males and females. Here is the list of gender differences:
Females tend to be nurturing, cooperative, detail oriented, use landmarks for direction, verbally expressive, emotionally minded, have a focus on relationships, and more open.
Males tend to be aggressive, protective, competitive, spatially orientated, action based, analytical, task oriented, and reserved.
I think it is great that we are all made with different characteristics and attributes. Men and women are meant to compliment each other. I think it is nice to have attributes that are typically in one gender in another. I think that the move toward women equality is important and great but it also is good for each of us to have our differences and accept each other with them. It would be such a boring world if everyone were the same. I think that there needs to be more of a focus on acceptance of people with many different characteristics and attributes.

Marriage and Immigrant Families

One thing that we touched on in class that I thought was really interesting is when we were discussing African American Families. Some challenges that they face are high percentage is unmarried (70%), lower education, often live in a violent locale, have extended family in the home, low income, and lower career aspirations. This is based on the average. It was interesting how all of these relate to one another. For example by having a low education, therefore the family would have a low income, which they would likely be living in a violent locale. Something that really hit me was that the single act of marriage could improve all of these things. I normally wouldn't think that marriage could have such a big impact but it really does make a big difference. It not only benefits the couple that is married but future generations down the road.

I also thought it was interesting when we looked at mexicans who immigrated to America. I never thought of all the challenges these families would have to face. I completely understand that the parents feel it is best for their children to come to America to give them the best possible opportunities they can. I just never realized how hard it is on the whole family structure. It must be difficult to leave a number of close family members behind. It is no wonder that many families may feel isolated and more alone. It is so interesting that families will change their roles and adapt to living in a new environment and changes within the family unit. I wonder how these families feel in hindsight. Do any families regret their decision, and decide to go back to Mexico? Also, how much are the children benefited by living here in America? Do they feel it is all worth it?

Family Systems

It was really interesting learning all about family systems in class this week. It is kind of difficult for me to put my family under a certain family theory but I feel like there is a bit of all of them in my family.
I really liked the concept of family mapping and the subsets that each family has. I have a fairly small family I have grown up living with just my mom, sister, and myself. Now that my sister is married, and Im not living at home its difficult to really have a definite family map. But, I do remember a time when I was fairly young, about 8 to 12, when I was the problem child. I really had difficulty controlling my emotions and I could be a real pill. So, during that stage in my life I definitely separated myself from my family and had trouble relating to them. I really felt like my mom and sister were together and both against me. I put up a rigid boundary, and excluded myself. I was even brought in to have counseling one on one with a psychologist but I feel like it didn't do much good. Of course by now I have grown out of whatever stage I was in and completely get along with, and have no problems with my mom or sister.
We discussed in class how one person with a problem really effects everyone else in the family unit, that is so true. I wish that when I was going through hard times that my family would have had family counseling not just personal counseling for myself. I didn't know how beneficial it could have been. I think it really makes a lot of sense though. Because how we interact with one another as a family is really important and makes all the difference. It is great that all families through the help of counseling can change and grow closer together. I think its awesome that changes that can occur within families.

Cohabitation

One topic that we discussed in class was cohabitation. I think it is a really interesting subject. Society views cohabitation as a good idea and that it lets a couple test the waters before they actually make a commitment to marry. It is on the rise and I really did not know much about cohabitation and its effects on a couple.
As part of class I did research on cohabitation and found some interesting results.


There are four reasons why people cohabitate:

1. Precursor to marriage - have definite plans to marry, expressed a high degree of satisfaction with and commitment to the relationship

2. Coresidential daters - disliked living the single life and opted to move in with someone even though they were uncertain about how long term the relationship might be

3. Trial cohabitors - intended to marry but they are not sufficiently committed to their current partner to expect it to end up with marriage

4. Alternative to marriage - high commitment to partner but were not interested in getting married


Benefits for being married over cohabitation: 

• Better quality relationship
• Lower rates of violence
• Less health problems
• Greater happiness
• less depression
• higher levels of commitment to the relationship
• Children are less likely to experience parental separation
• Less money spent on alcohol and tobacco and more spent on education
• less instability

The main point that I got out of this is that cohabitation really is of no value to the relationship of a couple.  Society makes it seem like cohabitation is a good idea, but according to research it probably is not a good thing to do.